April 14, 2010
I have been feeling rather depressed this last week. I can almost pin point the exact cause of it because there are several things going on that have tweaked the last nerve that has made my world turn blue.
Last week I was asked the cryptic question of “did so-and-so call you?” this usually means that someone is having a baby and their afraid to tell Liz and John. To “Spare our feelings” they want to wait to tell us, or have someone else tell us, or not tell us at all.
Like it’s not something we’ll notice either while they are pregnant, or when they show up to something with an extra kid in tow. Above all I think this “sparing our feelings” crap is more hurtful then the reminder that I’m still baby-less.
Oh Please! Spare me your pity, I don’t need it. Just tell me you’re having a baby.
I promise I wont be upset and cry until I’m home alone. I’ll smile for you and tell you how happy I am, because I probably truly am, I’m just sad for myself. I’ll help you pick out baby clothes and decorate your nursery. I’ll cuddle and love your baby because babies are precious and I’m happy for you. Really I am.
The only time I really get upset over these announcements is when I feel that you are a terrible mother and don’t deserve another baby or if this is one of those babies that you don’t even want but now you’re pregnant so what are you going to do about it… This is the kind of announcement that we got this last weekend. And I was really okay with it for a few days until I fond myself crying in my car as I drove home from work. Why do terrible mothers end up with babies they don’t want or deserve.
I have gotten a pretty good grasp on this infertility issue in the last few months. That’s why this blog has been so quiet. I’ve been truly happy that most of my sisters-in-laws are expecting babies this year. I’m so excited to hold and love little Becca and little Rachel. I’m excited to be an Auntie with kids close enough to love again. I’m a bad long distance Auntie, even though I wish I wasn’t. John and I have really kind of accepted the fact that we may not ever be parents to children of our own. We don’t know how long it will be before we can afford IVF. We don’t know if we can handle the stress and disappointment that may come with adoption. We don’t have a house where we would be comfortable being foster parents. So right now, we are just learning to be happy with our selves just the way we are. Think of the vacations we can take and the movies we can see. Think of the freedom we have without having to find a baby-sitter or worrying about where our kids are or who their with. We’re trying really hard to look at the bright side of life. Really, we’re trying.
It's coming up on May 9th the 1 year anniversary of Lariann's death. It seems like everything the family does together reminds us of "The last time" we did it with Lari. This next month is going to be pretty difficult for the family. Two weeks ago we got together and dyed eggs for Easter with Lucy and Kira. We all had a really nice time, but at the end of the evening it hit us that last year we did the same thing with Lari and Lucy. That brought the fun of the event to a low. We cried a little. I think about her every day.
No more Natalie. Z and Rachel finished their Catholic classes. They had been going every Thursday night since. September (I think.) and we have had Natalie pretty much every week. It’s been fun to have her, to love her and to play with her. I invested in toys for ages 3 and under so she’d have something to play with. She’d come over and we would watch Vampire Diaries together she’d torment the cats and John and then I’d put her to bed. We had a great time. But it’s all come to an end. The last class was last week so now I don’t have her anymore. On one hand I’m very glad that we have our Thursday nights back, but on the other, I’m going to miss her terribly. I’ve told Z and Rachel to bring her to me when ever they want to.
Also, the months are quickly passing until we wont have Lucy every Wednesday. Scott is getting married on August 13th and then that will be the end of my Wednesday night’s with Lucy. It’s going to be weird fitting time in with Ariane and the family now that Lucy will have 3 sets of grand parents, additional Aunts, Uncles and cousins, a lot of the Evans’ are worried that Scott may just disown us. I don’t think he will. I just think that we remind him of Lariann so he chooses not to put himself through that grief by not hanging out with us. I’m sure that as the years pass we will all become more comfortable with it. It will just be an adjustment. Again, I have mixed feelings about not having Lucy. We’ll get our date night back, but I’ll miss the bonding time with my Lucy.
May 9th this year will be Mother's day. This is a tough time for me anyway, but the hatred of this day was compiled last year, and now I dislike it even more. It will also mark the official 1 year anniversary of not going to church. John and I joke a lot about taking off a year and calling it our “Year of Apostasy” but we haven’t been very apostate this last year.
The book I am reading has identified that part of what I have been feeling lately as a "Spiritual Injury." That is, I have been pretty mad at God for ... oh, probably the last 8 years of my life. I think I have gotten a pretty good spiritual beat-down, and it may take a while to heal. All I have really ever wanted was for a nice life, kids, friends, health, a home, but those dreams all seem to have drowned in the crap that life has handed me.
In our life together we have had 2 years of unemployment. A school that promised a AS degree in business, but after 6 years of attendance they decided not to make Business Management a degree program. In the last 5 years I have dealt with 6 deaths: 2 family members, 2 friends, and 2 family members of friends. My dad has prostate cancer. John’s mom has kidney failure. I have been in 3 car accidents, totaled out 4 cars. Depression. Anxiety. Grief. Allergies. Mold. Asthma. The Dinosaur Flu. Bad jobs. Mononucleosis. A sister with brain tumor/cancer. Betrayal by a kindred spirit. Debt. Miscarriage. Infertility. Obesity. Back surgery.
The list really does just go on and on. I have tried to learn from the trials and to become a better person, but apparently I haven’t learned enough and the crap keeps flying. Frankly, I’m done with it all. I’d like to just have a stress free life and be able to do the things that we want to do and not always have to be reacting to the situations we are thrown into.
I spend a lot of time locked in my house. I avoid phone calls and knocks at the door. I have a hard time agreeing to see family and friends. I just want to crawl into bed and pull a blanket over my head. There may as well only be two rooms in my house; the kitchen and the bedroom. In fact, I don’t think I even need the kitchen.
And yes, for the most part, I blame God for my problems. If he was a more kind and loving being, then why am I always feeling so run over and spread to thin. Why is it that the people I love continually die. Why is it that I can’t claw myself out of the dark depressions that covers my life with the bleak hopelessness. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have and move on with my life. Why does my life feel like it’s stuck in the mud and sinking.
I have been spiritually injured.
Again and again and again.
When is it going to stop.
I find it hard to sit through 3 hours of church feeling like an outcast because I am not a newly-wed or a mother. I hate sitting there and watching the families with their children who have no discipline. I’m tired of being the outcast because I hate “crafty” things and social situations. I hate not having anything in common with the women who look down on me and make snide remarks about people who shop at Wal-mart and live in trailer homes. I really have no desire for these women to be my friends. I don’t like them and I don’t want to be like them. I hate that this ward hasn’t lifted a finger to see what is wrong with us. No one came when john was laid up for to months after back surgery. No one came when John was in the ER. No one came when Lari died. No one stops in when the yard hasn’t been mowed for a month and no one has seen us outside. No one came when we didn’t show up to teach out Sunday school class for one month… three months… six months… nine months…. Still no one comes. I hate that the
I know that this last part is a failure of people. But it’s a failure of people of the church who are supposed to care, but don’t. I am angry at the failures of men.
And for your information we haven't gone back to church yet for the sheer pride factor. I don't want to be judged for abandoning our Sunday School class or for telling the relief society president that I'm to selfish and lazy to be a visiting teacher. I don't want to be stared at as we walk into the chapel and pick the seat furthest away from the pulpit. The pride of self consciousness has overcome our desire to go out in public.
Right now, I just want to be left alone. Is that to much to ask. I don’t want anymore stress or death or failure. I just want to fit in somewhere. I want to be happy with no strings attached. I want a family. I want a house. I want my husband to stop worrying about everything. I’m just done with what life has handed me.
I'm going to stop now, if I don't, I could go on forever.