Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Don't Ignore....

Don't ignore me because I don't have kids.
There are reasons that you may not know about. I'm not selfish. I haven't made a conscious choice to not be a mother. I'm not having more fun as a young adult with no major responsibilities.
I am infertile.
I can't have babies without thousands of dollars of expenses. I will never be able to hold a little me in my arms or be the proud mommy to copies of myself. And for the most part I've come to the conclusion that I'm okay with this. I have a million other little ones in my life that life as an Auntie is quite fulfilling... but not enough.
I have tried all the affordable means of conceiving... and probably some crazy ones: Clomid. Charting. Positions. Relaxation. Sonohystograms. Wearing Rose Quartz. Washing in Rose Quartz. Feng Shui. Elephants (Yes, elephants. Jade elephants. Wooden elephants. Silver elephants.) Pineapples (right side up and upside down.) Nothing seems to work. Not even the thousands of tears I have shed have made any difference... But I cling to hope so hard my hands bleed.
I long for the day I can have my own kids. I do realize that whatever option we chose is going to be costly. Adoption or In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) both cost upwards of 10K - 15K. That's money that we just don't have. Insurance companies wont cover IVF, but most of them will cover Adoption expenses... why is that? Is one option really better than the other?
If You Are Infertile YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
I just want you to know that. We are not alone.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week April 22 – 28


I had a friend ask me on facebook what we could do about it. And since I'm not really a go out there and be active sort of activist this is my passive way of supporting an awareness week that is close to my heart...


I think that some times the best way to support Infertility Awareness is to talk about it. Just because a woman is infertile doesn’t mean she is broken or any less of a person than anyone else (even if that is how she feels every single day.) If we could just get the world talking about it than maybe those of us living through it wont feel so alone. Maybe if the world was talking about it insurance companies would be more willing to cover the costs of treatment. Maybe if the world were talking about it, it wouldn’t be such a shameful issue and people could have options before them in stead of bolted doors with dollar signs on them. But until then we just need to learn to love what we do have instead of focusing on those things we don’t have. I think THAT would be a huge step in the right direction.



The First Step Is The Hardest

By liz evans


The bubbles aren’t going through.

“They’re blocked” she said

“The only way you’re going to have a baby is in-vetro.”

No empathy,

No bedside manner

No tender looks,

For a tear stained girl,

Following a painful procedure,

A dark room ultrasound,

That did noting more then crush an entire life's dream.

No babies.

No children.

No one to call me mommy.

No first steps.

No first words.

No little hands to hold.

No high school graduations.

No Missions.

No Weddings.

No grand-kids.

My arms are empty and my heart is broken.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Eating with Liz 2012 - Taco Soup

Dinner with the Evans'. Something quick and easy for feeding hungry people.
Yes, this is another Emeals.com recipe, but what did you expect. I haven't been feeling very food adventurous lately if I have the desire/energy to cook anything at all. But this was rather good. Just as good as getting Taco Soup from anywhere else that uses silly ingredients and tastes just like this canned masterpiece…

Santa Fe Soup

1 lb ground beef, cooked
14 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
28 oz can diced tomatoes, undrained
14 oz can of pinto beans, undrained
14 oz can of kidney beans, undrained
15 oz can corn, drained
1 packet taco seasoning
1 packet ranch dressing mix

In large soup pot, combine cooked beef, tomatoes, beans, corn, taco seasoning and ranch dip mix and heat thoroughly. Simmer 20 min.

Sour cream
½ bag of Tortilla chips

What I did differently:

TIME SAVER TIP: Brown your hamburger with a little onion when you bring it home from the store, put it in freezer bags and stuff it in the freezer for later use. That way when it comes time for hamburger helper or something like this for a fast meal you just need to defrost and use, instead of defrost, brown then use. It has been so nice the last few weeks to know that I don't have to do that extra step. Last week I bought 2.57 lbs of ground beef, fried it up with some onion, and divided it into three quart sized zip close freezer bags. 2 cups each bag with a little extra left over to divide between them. Sure it may not be exact measurements for a pound of hamburger for this and a pound of hamburger for that, but with just me and John we don't need all that red meat anyway.
(I also have taken to cooking chicken and cubing the cooked chicken into bags for freezing. One day soon I'll leave whole breasts of chicken for freezing… I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before.)

I tossed the block of frozen ground beef into the pot. No defrosting. It melted during the 20 minute cooking time. Just stir it once in a while to disperse the beef throughout the soup.

I used frozen corn instead of canned corn. I just think it has a better texture. I measured it by dumping it into one of the empty bean cans and then adding enough water to fill the can completely. I probably could have added a little more, but it seemed to turn out alright.

Served with Cheese (for John only L)
Tofutti Sour Cream (Yes, that's sour cream made out of Tofu)
Tortilla Chips

This also would have been tasty with Fritos.

All in all a very quick, simple, and tasty meal all within 30 minutes. Yay!
This will go in the collection of "Use Again" recipes.

Friday, April 6, 2012

I'm Not Perfect

Can I just tell you how tired I am of looking at blogs that belong to those *perfect* women who have time to not only raise their multiple children, keep their house spotless, complete craft projects in ridiculous amounts, and be able to make dinners, or treats, or candy, or baking with confusing and numerous ingredients and still have time left over to blog... I just don't see how they do it. I think they're all lying to us, and they're messed up somewhere beneath that fa├žade.

I'm sure most of the people I look at are stay at home moms or people who run their own businesses from home, but I'm not those people. Even with that at home time I still don't see how they do it.

I work 8 hours a day with an extra two hours worth of commute time. I am tired. I'm busy making sure that my husband is happy and fed and that the dishes get done before they start to stink in the sink.

There are not enough hours in the day for me to sit down and do something creative. Most of the time I write, blog, crochet during work hours just to say I accomplished something.

I don't put up preserves, I don't garden, I don't even clean my house on a daily (or weekly) basis, but somehow I have managed to be a functioning part of society despite all the things I don't do.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Sky Is Everywhere

by Jandy Nelson

The first word that comes to mind after I finished listening to this book is: WOW.

The Sky Is Everywhere
This book was recommended to me last year by my friend Michelle. She did warn me beforehand that it was sad, so I did have a bit of an idea of what I was getting myself into… apparently not enough.

So being the person I am, I purchased a copy of the book when it was on sale, and put it on my shelf to read at a later date. Time passed and I had to use up some of my credits on Audible.com so I bought a audio copy of it as well.

Fast forward another year or so after that and I find myself sitting at work sick of the music I have on my iPod so I switch over to books. This is the one I chose to listen to.

From the first ten minutes of listening I was hooked. In tears, but hooked. I may understand Lennie more now, being on the other end of loss, then I think I would have before.

Her heart break at losing her sister, the anger and the pain she feels. I know that feeling. I understand Lennie's feelings of need. Of the desire for human contact. For her feelings of betrayal towards her sister.

It's very real to me.

In a lot of ways she is me.

How does the author know this is how it feels? Has she lost someone too?

I heard the words from this book and they echoed with what I was feeling, and how I felt for those months after I was left behind too. How I desperately needed an outlet and sometimes the written word was all I had because the spoken words wouldn't come out of my mouth. The needing human companionship. The longing for the comfort of being touched and the need for reckless passion to feel the sensations, to feel anything, to block out the wallowing darkness that threatens to engulf you at any moment.

Some parts of the book took that hole in my heart that the death of my own sister-in-law made and seemed to rip it open again and it's like the last 3 years of healing vanished and the sad is all new again. But while it opened a lot of heartache, it also helped heal over some too. The climax and resolution of the story were so beautifully crafted, then in some ways there were those "ah ha" moments reminding me to think of others because my grief is no more or less then theirs and everyone has lost out. Don't forget the others.

I truly loved this book. I would recommend it to others who would enjoy a good teen romance with a lot of sad mixed in… or perhaps it’s more of a walk through grief with a little teen romance mixed in. Either way you look at it The Sky Is Everywhere was just a good book.

Just a warning, there is quite a bit of language (meaning the BIG F word) throughout the book, but honestly it's probably a lot less then what some of us hear on a daily basis.

“grief is a house
where the chairs
have forgotten how to hold us
the mirrors how to reflect us
the walls how to contain us

grief is a house that disappears
each time someone knocks at the door
or rings the bell
a house that blows into the air
at the slightest gust
that buries itself deep in the ground
while everyone is sleeping

grief is a house where no on can protect you
where the younger sister
will grow older than the older one
where the doors
no longer let you in
or out”
― Jandy Nelson