Thursday, April 23, 2009

That's It!

I've had it! After going to a doctor’s appointment last week and having the scale blaring 226 at me I am reaffirming my goal to lose weight and keep it off.

If you have known me for a good deal of time you'll have noticed that I have gained A LOT of weight over the past few years. I was in denial for a long time. Until someone I respect a lot started calling me chubby a few years ago and I took a good long look in the mirror and realized she was right. I got fat somewhere along the way.

When I got married I was a good weight. At that point in time it was the heaviest I had ever been at 165, but I had come to terms with my body and realized that I was a nice healthy weight and I looked pretty good.

Shortly there after life happened and I found out the true meaning of depression. I am pretty sure that with the combination of birth control pills and depression medication I ballooned out to 209, which is what my drivers license states. Before I knew it the scale was up to 249 and I was wallowing in self-pity. I never wanted to be fat, but somehow it just happened.

And YES, fat does just happen.
You don't have to do anything to get it. Nothing.
You stop going outside.
You'd rather eat 3 doughnuts then a salad
You'd rather lie down and close your eyes then actively move about your house.
Your wardrobe consists of nothing but T-shirts and jeans (that rarely button on the first try)
You'd rather claw your eyes out then do any exercise of any type.

It’s a snowball effect. One thing leads to another until you find yourself curled up in bed at 5pm eating dinner off paper plates watching episode after episode of a canceled TV program...
Yes, that's my life. Pathetic, I know.

Then the doctor starts throwing out terms like, sleep apnea, hypertension, high cholesterol, heart problems, insulin resistance, infertility, polycystic ovary syndrome, pre-diabetic, asthma... Its a harsh reality when suddenly you realize that this could kill you if you don't do something about it.

Now here I am hating myself for being rotund. I can't buy cute clothes. I can't ride certain things at Lagoon because my but just barely fits. I have a closet full of clothes I can't wear. There are hairstyle I can't get away with. Glasses shapes that just don't look right. Necklaces that look great in the box but are suddenly too short when you add them to a corpulent neck.

I have always hated the term "Self-Esteem" because I never really related to the need for it most days because I generally liked myself after high school that is, but I have now fallen on to the category of low to no self-esteem. Next time you talk to me just see if I look you in the eye, it's not something I do very often, and I have started to wonder if it's because I don't want others to look into my eyes and see the self loathing that lies within.

When I had hit 249 I was going to Curves 3 times a week and trying to lose weight. My doctor even suggested that I do the Atkins diet. So I did for like 3 months and I lost 36 lbs and I was at 213 and I was so proud of myself, but then gas was $4.00 a gallon so I had to quit Curves and I couldn't stand not being able to eat a baked potato or pasta once in a while or the hot french bread that calls to me when I'm at the grocery store… so I fell off my diet - I have made changes to our eating habits that have stuck, but the next thing I knew I was back up to 220 but at least I stayed that way for a while. But the weight is slowly climbing back up - I'm sure my being sick for the past few months hasn't helped - and it's time to take it off.


I am not a believer in astrology, but I do read my horoscope everyday, and today my horoscope said: "Today you will be able to take a short step back in time to see what actually has been bothering you over the past few days, dear Capricorn. You will be able to determine where all the stress and mood swings have been coming from. In fact, it's up to you to figure out all of this on your own. This exercise could open your eyes to a lot of things you didn't know about yourself." This made me ponder about what is really getting to me, because I have been super moody this week, and I think I have come down to the fact that I'm fat. I have spent many an hour thinking about the fact that the scale at the doctor’s office said 226 lbs on Friday and even the scale at home agreed with it. I agree with it too. I need to lose weight.

According to the BMI Index I'm Obese with a BMI rating of 40.0 (it varies from site to site). Not just over weight, but severely obese. I hate that word. I don't want to be fat anymore. It makes me depressed. It’s a huge reason why I can't get pregnant, and if I really do have hypertension that could lead to heart problems and I don't want that. I want to be skinny and healthy and pregnant, but that's not going to happen until I do something about it.

So WE need to do something about it.

Sorry, I got on my soapbox, but when it comes down to it that is really what my issue is and that's what makes me sad and irritated and I just want to be the Liz that I was 7 years ago and not just the fat girl.

Here is my resolution. I WILL lose weight. I can't put it off any longer. No more hoe humming about it. It is time.

So what am I going to do about it?

Go to the doctor to fix my breathing
I have bought new clothes. Well, mostly just new shirts. If I look nice maybe it will make me feel better.
I painted my nails. Maybe the next step is make-up (but don't hold your breath)
I'm trying to find a nice hairstyle. I think I'm even going to dye it so it has that healthy shine again.
I have girls night once a month. To reaffirm that I am loved and I do have friends and I am my own person.
Cook more at home and not eat out so much. This way we will have lunches for the following day as well.
No more dinner on the bed. We eat at the table, or if we want to do dinner and a movie it's to the TV room.
Limit Soda intake. I have already cut down on my caffeine now to work on the carbonation.
Greatly reduce snack intake. The snack cupboard is almost empty. I'm tempted to leave it that way.
Eat better. Less carbs. Less sugar. More fresh fruits & Veggies. Less mindless eating.
No more emotional eating.
Exercise. Walking. Aerobics. Yoga. Anything that will get me active.
Get out of the house. This can tie in with exercise. But just being not home makes a difference.
Buy a WiiFit. It may just be a good investment.
Use the Core Rhythm DVD's that are gathering dust on my nightstand.
Make John do it too.
Pray for help.

Here are a few goals I have set for myself - measurable and attainable:

Notice that there aren't any "completed by" dates that way if I lose the weight slowly or quickly it wont make a difference as to whether or not I can reward myself.

Starting Weight: 226 (4/17/09)
Current Weight: 226

Goal Weight: 160

Goal 1: 215 - New shoes
Goal 2: 200 - Car detailing
Goal 3: 185 - Night out
Goal 4: 170 - A nice vacation

Goal 5: 160 - FINALLY having my bridals taken (7yrs later) - Michelle if you're reading this you could take them and add them to your portfolio.



Jennifer said...

I think your beautiful! John.. SO handsome! I am doing the same thing...yay for feeling better!

Anonymous said...

hey, way to go! You'll bith do awesome! You just have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired! My dad is doing something called transformation- look it up- it's a support group to help you eat healthier, lose weight and get active.
Best of luck! I know you guys can do it!

Becky said...

Good luck, sounds like you have all things set for a great outcome.

LindsayKeller said...

It sounds like you have a great plan and some fantastic goals! Good luck! I'm rooting for you!

Loran said...

You will do this! Don't expect it to happen over night or in a few short months. It takes time. Do it healthy too. That is important. I am down to 194.2 and a BMI of 34.4 from 210 and a BMI of 37.2. It has taken me 3 weeks of dedication and hard work. There were days that I did not want to get off the couch, but forced myself to do an hour of exercise. It is paying off. I have no one else to work with. My kids are incouraging me though. You will do it, but you have to stop hating your self and be positive. I love you!