I haven't blogged here for a little while. I'm not exactly sure I can explain why.
I have had a lot of opportunities to play with my newest niece, Kira, lately, and I have decided that I absolutely love her. Rachel (john's sister) has been really supportive too. I'm a little surprised by that because she's usually the one pointing out the "I have this ... and you don't" but since she had had Kira she has slacked off a little. She knows how much I want to be a mommy and aside from some comments she's made she's been great.
We were all out to dinner last week and I was cooing at my little Kira and she was so smiley and happy and Rachel said "I can't wait until you and John have a baby." On one hand that was a really sweet comment that holds a little hope, but on the other hand it just made me ache for my baby that I don't have.
One thing is nice though, Rachel lets me baby-sit. This is something that I have really missed out on with Lari and Lucy because Lari and Scott moan and complain about my cats and wont bring Lucy over because they don't want her covered in cat hair ... all I say to that is that they should just suck it up. I understand that Scott is allergic, but its not like I'm going to let the cats roll all over Lucy's things. So in the past if we were asked to watch Lucy we were asked to go to their house. Ugh! But Rachel and Devin have a dog so Kira is usually covered in dog hair anyway.
I had her for a few hours on the 16th of March, just me and John and Kira hanging out at my house, and it was really nice. That day happened to be our 7th un-anniversary because that was the day we wanted to be married, but it also marked another month of no baby since Aunt Flo stopped by just a few days before... so I was a little sad anyway.
But with Kira there I could just hold her and love her and I was so happy just snuggling with her. John, even though he wanted to hold her too, just let me hold my beautiful niece and didn't want to take her away from me. I appreciated that.
So I haven't been so sad about my lack-o-baby this past month and the one day that I was sad I just couldn't make myself write anything so all the blog got was a chart.
-- By-the-way - M.O.M., the chart logs my Basal Body Temperature, that allows me to see exactly what day I ovulate and I can track the different symptoms and signs that help to know when ovulation is coming. It's quite helpful. --
Another reason why I may not be updating this blog lately is that last month when I ovulated my FertilityFriend.com page told me that my due date would be 11/21/2009. Thus falling into the Forbidden Months November - February where everything happens and if we can avoid it then we would prefer not to have a baby during this time period. Though we're not preventing, we're not actively trying to conceive. That way if it happens it happens and we'll welcome a baby any day it decides to come. However, if it doesn't happen in the next 3 months I wont be as devastated as I have been.
I got a letter in the mail from my doctors office a few weeks ago reminding me that it has been a year since my last appointment and its time to come in... I haven't made an appointment yet. I think I'm anxious about going to a new doctor. I will be switching from my CNM to an actual OB/Gyn because she will be able to do tests that the CNM doesn't have the ability to do, but what happens when the OB has done all she can?? I don't know.
My visiting teacher - Jane - has been trying to conceive as long as I have, and she has recently been going to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. These types of providers are not covered by most insurance companies, but the office she has been going to doesn't bill through insurance and only charge $30 per visit and $100 for minor procedures. That's not bad... not like I have a few hundred dollars to throw into the wind if nothing works, but its nice to know that somewhere in the world a Reproductive Clinic is being mindful of us with stupid insurance. I figure I'll give it another 6 months (ack!) and I'll ask Jane what the name of the office is again. Most physicians refer you to a specialist after 1 year of TTC if you're under 35 and after 6 months if you're over. But here I am 2.5 years into it, and I've had my CNM involved since ... well ... officially February 2008. But I had really stopped taking Birth Control back in July of 2006.
I remember back when Lariann was in the hospital with her brain tumor (9/19/06) my period was late... really late. And I thought for sure I was pregnant. I was scared to death because we weren't really trying or ready, but we got ourselves all psyched up about it, but the HPT's were always only kinda + the faint second pink line mocking me in its unsureness, even the pee test at the doctors office was a faint pink + but since they couldn't tell they sent me down to the Lab for a blood test. Well that was negative... and it still took another month and a half for my period to come back. How utterly frustrating.
Fine, whatever, my body doesn't want to function right. What could I do about it... CNM put me back on BC and told me to lose 50+ pounds during 2007. I tried, and I got fed up with BC so I stopped when I was finally regular again and have been trying ever since.
Then there was what I'm pretty sure was a miscarriage back in May of 2003, right around the same time when our friends gave birth to their little Logan... He's almost 6 now. I mark what I could have had by him and think "I could have had one of those" but I really try to not follow that train of thought most days.
- Big Sigh - This is a tiring game. I grow weary of playing. . .
Anyway, like I said, it's time for a new appointment with the doctor and I'm sad to leave Vivian behind, but I'm sure that which ever doctor I choose will be just as helpful (if not more-so) I just hate change, that's all.