Monday, October 3, 2011

Halloween Movie Month 2011

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010) – This movie was entertaining enough. Out of all the one’s we’ve watched so far this year it was definitely the best. But that’s not saying much. Dylan is a Private Investigator who used to work as a mediator between the worlds of the dead and the living. He’s pulled back into the world when crazy things start going down in the world of the undead. I kept expecting Brandon Roth to go all Superman on the undead... but he never really did.

Crucible of Horror (1971) – This movie had so many flaws in the murder plot that I just couldn’t stand it. I found myself several times yelling at the television telling the useless women to “just shoot him!” The ending was pretty predictable. Full of bad 70’s acting even though it had some great actors to draw from. Very disappointing. Very slow. Very un-scary for a movie in a box set called “Pure Terror”.

Double Exposure (1983) – Terrible, terrible movie. I can’t believe we watched this. A photographer has graphic dreams of killing his models and then they turn up dead. The question is… is he really the one killing them or is it something else. It really did keep me guessing for most of the movie, but when the end comes all you can say is, “really!? That’s how it ends?” Not one I’d recommend to anyone. Oh, and there was lots and lots of naked.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Werewolf (1996) – This movie was so bad I was surprised to learn that it was filmed in the 90’s… but then again 90’s movies were never really that good. All the actors were foreigners and their accents just got worse as the movie progressed. I don’t think I could have made it through the movie with out the Mystery Science Theater guys shadows in front giving running commentary. It was awful.

They Live (1988) – or rather “John Carpenter’s: They Live” like adding John Carpenter’s name to it would make it any better. Staring Roddy Piper… (yes, that is in fact Rowdy Roddy Piper.) There are aliens living among us, and they are hiding themselves with a massive power transmission that hides what they really look like… unless of course you have the magic sunglasses that allows you to see them as they are. All in all the movie was rather lame, but it had the worlds best line: “I came here to chew bubblegum and kick some ass... and I ran out of bubblegum.” And of course there was one really long unnecessarily absurd fight scene because Roddy is/was a huge member of the WWF.

Vampire Journals (1997) – Remember what I just barely said about 90’s movies? This one didn’t change my statement. This was horrible… What terrible acting. Again a bunch of people who didn’t speak English very well. I guess the plot of the movie was one vampire out to get revenge on another vampire, but with all the naked boobs and bad accents I didn’t follow the plot too well. -- Vampires. Apparently. Can't. Speak. In. Full. Sentences. What did I learn from this movie? A) The vampires in this movie were very wasteful. They would bite someone and then open their mouth and let blood spurt all over the victim. B) All crazy vampire women sacrifices must wear white flow-y dresses. And when you add A + B = a mess. John actually stated that it would suck to have to try and get those stains out.

Grave of the Vampire (1974) – John and I agreed that the subject of this movie was a terrible vampire. Instead of just biting all his prey and drinking them dry he opted to kill them by various means; Throat slitting. Smashing a head with a sarcophagus. Breaking a back over a tombstone. Ice pick… The premise of the movie was that the main vampire (who was a terrible vampire) raped a woman and she birthed a half vampire who spent his life searching for his father to kill him. Well…. To ruin the end for you (because trust me, you don’t really want to watch it) The child of the vampire kills his father but then… are you ready for it? …. He TURNS into the vampire. Duh duh DUNN!

Big Bad Wolf (2006)Lots and lots of naked boobs and sexual situations. So… boy is trying to pledge for a frat. They go to his step-father’s cabin in the woods. Everyone but original boy and his girl die a horrible death at the claws of a slathering talking werewolf in pants. They run home and one thing leads to another and some how it is deduced that step-father IS the werewolf and the have to get proof and kill him. A few more people die. More naked boobs. A big fire… were wolf dies, but boy is bit. OH NO! The tragedy of it all! Yes, I just ruined the entire movie for you. Don’t watch it.

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