the worlds most insensitive question

There are a lot of these types of questions, however at this point in my life the question is:

So when are you and John going to have kids?

I don’t know if this question is causing me to fester and rot this week because it’s “that time of the month” or maybe because John’s best friend & wife just had another baby or maybe it’s because the nice lady who sits beside me at work asked the forbidden question on a bad day... who knows, but for one or all of these reasons I have been filled with rage.

I have my off the cuff answers to this question. “John and I just aren’t ready for kids” “I’m too selfish” “We can’t afford kids” “I want to stay at home with my kids and we just can’t do that right now” or the one that people are the most impressed with “When John and I can afford to feed ourselves then we can work on feeding someone else”

All good excuses, but overcome-able if the need arose. The fact is: I am currently unable to have children. I guess I could just say that and make the person feel stupid for asking, but I do have a little common courtesy so I just give them the lie. But each and every time that question is asked I acquire more rage and it stacks on top of all the rage from the last time someone asked and one day when they least expect it I’m going to pop and someone is going to be very sorry, maybe me, maybe them, who knows.

But I have been such a raging beast this week and it seems that every little thing is getting on my nerves and poor John gets the brunt of it. Poor John. For the first few days I couldn’t figure out why I was so angry, but the other night as I was lying in a bubble bath, prepared by my cute husband who just wanted to make me happy, I thought about the week and what’s going on and pondering why I feel like I just want to cover my head and cry and/or kill someone, it hit me like lightening. I was fine until I was asked “the question” and then got the “we had a baby” email on the same day. Grrr.

And it’s not like I CAN’T have children, it just in my current health state it’s not an option. According to my doctor she says that if I continue to lose weight my body should regulate itself and everything should be fine... would, should, might all not very comforting words to hear from a doctor, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want a baby now. And what if I lose all this weight and I still have problems, what if I don’t ever get to have my own babies and adoption is way too expensive. I’m tired of other people’s children.

I guess that maybe I should just be thankful that after all these years I have finally found some doctors who believe there is something wrong with me and are doing something about it.