Pondering

Maybe hate is a strong word. I have been thinking over the past few weeks, and I guess saying I hate fat people is rather harsh, I think the term I'm really looking for here is “fat people make me terribly uncomfortable.” I have plenty of fat friends, I myself am what the medical world terms as obese even though I only weigh 218lbs, and I associate with several grossly obese people on a daily basis and I may in fact love a few of these people but I worry that I’m going to find them dead one day.
It’s those morbidly obese people that really get to me. How can one get themselves into such a state and not absolutely hate everything about themselves. I have a hard time being the size I am and I have horrors about being any bigger. I literally burst into tears when getting dressed some mornings because this outfit fit fine last week but now the buttons wont do up. Or the fact that I have shoes that don’t fit because my feet have gotten too fat. Did you know I couldn’t wear my wedding ring for 2 years because my finger was too fat. I hate having my picture taken because it just reminds me that I used to have a pointy chin and my smile used to look a lot bigger. I just don’t get it.
Maybe I just don’t understand how someone pushing 300 or 400 pounds can have such an overly happy personality and not just wish they were skinny. Or why it is that they don’t just hide in their houses, because that’s what I do. I guess maybe inside they do and they over compensate personality wise by being chipper and perky when really inside they just want to die. I know that feeling too.

My creative writing teacher once told me that Love and Hate are so closely related the only way to really hurt someone is to be indifferent.