Thursday, January 21, 2010

Remind me to Never do that again!

Yesterday I had a Sonohystogram that my new OB suggested I have after my appointment back in December… and let me just tell you, it was horribly painful and disappointing experience.

Found out that both of my tubes are blocked because no air bubbles went through. :(

She did mention that they could have closed up due to spasms, but that she doubted it…. And then I thought – “Lady, It hurt like hell! I’d spasm and close up to if I could have!”

The procedure caused monster cramps for most of the afternoon and bleeding… I told my husband to remind me to NEVER do that again.

Her statement about the results were "Well, your tubes are blocked.  It looks like your only chance of getting pregnant is IVF" wow, no alternative suggestions, no kind word of encouragement... it feels like she just told me that I'm a total failure and you might as well just give up and play dead.

I've decided that I hate this new doctor I have chosen so I think I'm going to switch. She is very unfriendly when it comes to bedside manner and she was far from sympathetic when it came to both the pain and the results.

She did say that suggests that I go to the hospital and have them do a Hysterosalpingogram. This is where they fill the uterus and tubes with dye and take x-rays to see what's going on. This is NOT covered by my insurance and so I probably wont have it done unless it's magically under $300 but I doubt that. And if I do get it done it wont be for many months out.

I'm terribly sad about all this and feeling quite depressed today. I don't want to be the problem. I just want a baby of my own to hold and love and that looks like me.... and I don't want to pay a fortune to get it.

John doesn't need to have a Sperm Analysis now because blocked tubes is me and not him. He's happy he doesn't have to do it, but is sad for me.

To top it all off last week I found out that another one of my sister-in-laws is having another baby. This is her second since I really started TTC. This makes me so sad. So now I have 2 pregnant sister-in-law's that just stand as a reminder that I wont have a baby any time soon.

I was really okay with this yesterday, but today I just can’t seem to stop crying. I’ve been trying to just stay busy so I don’t have time to think about it, but there are those lulls when I have to wait for something to get done and the tears just come.


In other News …. Scott bought an engagement ring… He’s getting married again! I’m happy for him. I know that he and Arianne will be so happy together. And Lucy will love her new mommy. Above all else, we all just want Scott to be happy. And just so you know this news isn’t public yet so don’t tell anyone. Shhhh!

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