Thursday, November 5, 2009

give me a juggernaut heart and a japanese car

The past  few days I have had an irrational desire to just put my head down and cry.
Why? I don't really know.
However, for yesterday and today I have pin-pointed my depression down to this picture:
Which I would like to discuss at length.
While the picture itself is masterfully done, and has the potential for Uber-Greatness... I can't get past the shape of my arms, the belly-roll, the double chin, the lard hump on my shoulders, the dimple on my elbow, etc etc... ack! I could go on and on. I looked at this photo yesterday and nearly broke down in tears sitting at work.
I've tried to have a more positive outlook on who I am and how I'm shaped, but there comes a day or a moment when I see myself and loose all rational thought about myself and all I see are the flaws and it eats at me.
How can I be so Fat!
Is this how other people see me, or am I just overly hard on myself?
I look terrible. I feel terrible, and there are days when I can literally FEEL myself getting fatter.
Some times I get these great bursts of desire to do something - exercise, eat better, be more prayerful... but it fades, quickly. I don't know what beats me down the fastest - Lets discuss these:
  • My own lack of desire/self depreciating actions and thoughts - This, above all else, is the breaking point for all the goals I ever set and never reach. (I.e. cleaning out the second bedroom, weight loss, ladies night, more social time with family, work advancements, staying in contact with people, rebuilding lost relationships... etc. All have failed) I am the hardest on myself.
  • Lack of spousal support - Now, I'm not saying that John is mean to me, or that we have any sort of troubles in our marriage, all I'm saying is that he says he supports me and the things I want to do, but actions speak otherwise. For example, I say I'd like to go walking and he says just tell him when I'm ready, but when I do, whatever he is doing at the moment (usually video gaming) seems more important to him then walking with me.  Then there's the constant battle of he'll do this but not that. He'll eat this but not that. The "you're beautiful to me" statement at the times when I just want some understanding. He just doesn't know how it feels to be a fat girl. Plain and simple.
  • The Dark One's taint - Depression, Self-doubt, Insecurities. All tools of Satan. I know this, I hate it, but I can't seem to rise above it. I just feel defeated. I hate church. I am not a fan of serving others. I can't stand the statement "just have faith" and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, a rather bleak view.
I think Depression weighs more on my life then I ever really thought it would. And we have to admit, I have had A LOT of triggers over the past several years between the deaths in my life, job stability/satisfaction for me and/or John, the baby issues, health issues, loss of friendships. I think I have a right to feel like crap most days.
Tangent: Unfortunately for me, I was raised in a house when nothing was ever discussed and feelings, injuries, disorders, and people, were dismissed as "all in your head," or "not as bad as you think."
I never would have thought to ever go to my parents and tell them I was depressed or fat or what my actual feeling about anything were.. oh, and heaven forbid we ever approach the topic of sex. I don't know that it was actually the parents doing, or if it was a cumulative effect of being the youngest and having 5 other siblings telling me that what I liked was stupid and generally missing out on things because I was just not included. What does this do to a person? It causes them to bottle up their feelings and just let resentment build.
There are things that I just have a hard time talking about with my mother (and in general) like Infertility, depression, and how I feel. I have pushed myself to be more open with her over the past several years but it's a hard thing to do. Here I can write my thoughts and feeling on a blog for the world to read, but make me sit down with someone I love and I clam up and what's important never gets said.
I remember the first time I spoke to her after being medicated for depression. She seriously told me that I was fine and that I didn't need to be medicated. (Because THAT's what you should say to someone who has depression issues, sure.) But she's not the one who couldn't bring herself to leave the house and more often then not spent hours crying on my couch and avoiding 'real life'.  So these days when the subject of grandchildren comes up and why there is none, I try to be frank and up front with her, but she doesn't understand and can't empathize with me. She herself had more kids then she knew what to do with and spent the entire decade of the 70's in maternity clothes. I just don't think she understands me at all when it comes to the topic of infertility.
It the way I was raised has made it hard to open up and talk to people. Some days I think maybe I need counseling, but who says I'd want to talk to a counselor either.
And what is the deal with my body revolting against me. Its ovulation time I'm supposed to feel great and sexy and be more appealing to the opposite sex. I should have more energy and an increased sex drive. I should be at the peak of my womanliness. But I just feel angry and hormonal and tired and non-romantic and I have no sex drive and I just want to either cry or read a book by myself. . . tell me, how is the language my body exhibiting supposed to help in conceiving?? I'm never going to get pregnant this way.
What it all boils down to is basically  - fester fester fester, rot rot rot
I'm just sick of myself today

1 comment:

purplesandel said...

you need a buddy- so move to Texas(it's warmer here!) and we can be buddies! Chris always says he'll go walking with me- but that never happens. I did have a friend I went walking with but her husband got promoted and they moved. It is hard to get motivated about anything(exercise, cleaning the extra bedroom, doing the dishes, blah, blah, blah) when you don't have someone there to push you and make you do it. So if I lived closer, we could go walking and I would help you clean your extra room and you could make sure I did my dishes and made dinner(besides tuna sandwiches every night). 'Cause sometimes that's all a girl needs.