Talk Like A Pirate Day (You KNOW this is my favorite holiday!)

Did you know Sept. 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day? I know many of you have already planned your piratical celebrations, and some of you may already have own personal traditions in place. But just in case your busy schedule has intruded to catch you unawares on the eve of this important holiday, here’s some suggestions you can easily incorporate into your daily routine. You may find that employing the canny skills of the pirate boost your own agenda, as well!*

 

1. Red and black is in. Not your colors? That’s okay! Pirate complexions invariably tended toward more sallow hues due the high incidence of scurvy. This is also your opportunity to incorporate any acne outbreaks or hairy moles into your overall ensemble. Use this day to display them with pride. Don’t be afraid to put your comb away for the day, either. Plundering the high seas leaves little time for involved daily hygiene routines.

 

2. Accessorize. Pirates favored shiny metallic accents, preferably the timeless look of gold. The bolder the better... feel free to improvise! Pirates rarely consulted popular fashion, preferring instead to pioneer their own trends. If you’re male, this is a prime opportunity to try jewelry while maintaining your masculinity. Just think of it as wearing your trophies. A natural look works as well – you can’t go wrong with a good skull and crossbones. Hats are also important, but can be tailored to your individual taste. Scarves combine fashion and function; flattering headgear for many, they also serve to wipe off any unfortunate stains. It’s also recommended you invest in a sturdy, preferably thigh-length, boot.

 

3. Consider carefully your pirate name. Tired of being Jane? Here’s your chance for a colorful change. Try putting an adjective or descriptive phrase in front of your name, first or last. For example, Rufus is now Bloody Red Rufus, or Mad Dog Rufus. The more visually evocative the title, the better. Alliteration slips off the tongue easier and makes your name, and therefore you, more memorable. (Try this at job interviews and you’ll get results).

 

4. Talk with flair. Have fun with this! Change your "you" to "ye" and your "my" to "me." Pepper your sentences with "scurvy," "bloody," and "smarmy". End at least every other sentence with "argghh" and begin the other sentences with "aye." Show affection by assigning nicknames to others, such as "bilge rat" or "bastard." This is a great trick at work or cocktail parties if you can’t recall someone’s name. Remember, everyone finds an accent attractive.

 

5. Don’t be afraid to advertise yourself! Let others know you’re coming, and that it’ll be on your terms. Create a personalized flag that relates to you (in red or black, of course), and attach it to your vehicle’s radio antenna. Make sure the flag is easily detachable for those times you’d prefer to drive incognito.

 

6. Keep your mind active – challenge yourself! Create a treasure map for your office on pay week while you search for your check. Use your co-workers’ desks as landmarks. Invite your colleagues to join in the challenge by telling them to "find their own treasure, or walk the plank!"

 

7. Delegate – it’s important you take care of yourself at home and in the workplace. Refer all inquiries and requests to your pet parrot. This works whether the parrot is live or stuffed. Either way, optimal parrot placement is on the left shoulder. (Be sure it is securely anchored – no one trusts an unsteady parrot). Insist others treat your parrot with respect and as your representative, or risk your wrath. It may be necessary for you to engage in hand-to-hand combat or swordplay at least once before your wishes are respected. Be firm, and your co-workers/family members will follow your lead. (You may wish to substitute a monkey or ferret).

 

8. Value your assets. Don’t hesitate to bring your hooked hand to Human Resources to request your 50 pieces of silver for losing your appendage while fixing the copier.

 

9. Offer to pioneer a new training series for your company based on piratical theory. Ideas for topics: "Walking the Plank: The How-To in Merging Companies and their Personnel," "Pillage and Plunder: Strategizing Sales Techniques," "Davy Jones’s Locker: You and your 401(k)", and "Pirates are People Too: Mediation and Interpersonal Relationships."

 

10. Mutinies happen. When you’re escorted from your workplace, take it in stride. Pirates never worked well when accepted in the general population, anyway