Ponderings

Today is March 12. Today is a Thursday. Today the sun is shining. Today I woke up in a bad mood. Today I can't remember what it feels like to breathe through my nose. Today I'm wondering if Zombification is covered by workers comp. Today I don't feel like doing anything. Today I am reminded to enjoy every moment because it may not come again. Today I'm letting go of regrets because you can never go back. Today I am missing the women who have vanished from my life. Today my soul is heavy. Today I cried. Today is the one year anniversary of my Michelle passing away.

There are so many words that are in my head that want to express how I feel today, but my fingers and this paltry keyboard are insufficient for my needs. It's a jumble of letters and feelings that fill my thoughts that all come out sounding like this when I try to write: iehrjkhsekfhy owiaeyf ifhiyetu iohyf jdfhkjheuih fr;s yhfuhs;eifhdjff h jkdh (#%&@&#%&@RUI FH UIEUr89uiehf 8 uieru48  5y%&*& *%  597u iut thjdslejtiy ghn!!  Or there is the more primal urge in me that just wants to smash something.

It's strange to me how one family has effected my life so much even though I only lived with one member of that family for 6 weeks in this long expanse of life. I have never felt such joy or sorrow as I have with being associated with the Huppi family. I think that when Mel died it was my first "real" experience with death. I say this because even though I have dealt with death and even had my own grandfather pass away not to long before I left on my mission, they were mostly old people who it was okay if they passed on and I was detached from the situation. But I remember the day President and Sister Robinson came to the door and informed Michelle of her loss. I felt it too. The days and weeks that passed were painful to me. The work was hard and I think that is also my first real brush with depression. Michelle put on a brave face, and together we did our best.

Since that day I have dealt with the deaths of many close friends that have brought me to a new low in life. Where I now understand the word Tragedy and how it can affect one so deeply.

When I was told last year that Michelle was in a coma I wanted to not believe it, I wanted so badly for the information I received to be wrong. How could something so terrible happen to someone so wonderful. I had received an email from her just days before, bragging about how great things were going and how happy she was… how could this be true!? Three days I waited all while trying to contact those from the Mission who also knew and loved her. Each day I cried, each day I prayed... and in the end Michelle was taken away.

It's been a struggle, to say the least, for me to understand why a beautiful person such as her would be taken from her family so suddenly and at such a young age. She was only a little older then me. She was so full of life and love and hope.

I just don't see the plan. I know that our Heavenly Father loves us, and that there is a plan and that for some reason unbeknownst to us it was her time to go. I know there is a lesson in there for me to learn about the eternal nature of families, and of temple work and of being faithful… That doesn't change the fact that there is a hole left in my heart where Michelle used to be.

It's like my poor heart is made of swiss cheese with this hole over here belonging to michelle - and this hole over here belonging to susan - and this other hole over here belonging to valerie - and that whole over there belonging to my sisters - and that other one belongs to rugburn - and that one belongs to my dreams of being a mommy - and do you see these little holes over here, they get bigger as time goes by, they belong to my little "wyatt" or "michelle" that I long to hold in my arms and the hear them call me mommy - then there is that other one that is missing something that I can't decide if I found and lost, or if I have never found it at all.

Today is a day of mourning and a day to reflect on my goals and reassess my priorities in life. Today is especially hard because it is a reminder of things that I don't have that I may never possess. Today I want to remember and be comforted in the promises that death is only the beginning.

I guess the whole point of this is that today I am feeling depressed and that sunny side of life has slipped into twilight. But never fear, the sun comes up every morning, or so I've been told.