Updates from the past...

Tuesday 09/30/2008:
So, What's Up?

With my best friend offering to do anything and my older sister offering me her eggs All I need to do is get John tested and we're good to go :)I start month 2 of Clomid today. woo hoo all aboard for another month of emotional roller coaster rides. John loves that. I have actually started charting my fertility with a website called fertilityfriend.com which has been really interesting. I have learned all sorts of new and interesting things about my body functions that I have just never known before. And I also learned that I ovulate about 6 days later then I thought I was so it makes timing intercourse more useful when I actually KNOW when I'm fertile. So maybe between the two I can get what I want. If not my doctor wants John to come in for a sperm analysis before she'll give me more clomid. but then it goes to the fact that my CNM isn't a approved provider with our insurance so if I do get pregnant I have to switch doctors and I'm not really sure how to go about that because I really like Vivian. Should I tell her that I can't see her anymore or just switch doctors. I don't know.Anyway. No babies coming in June. My brother told John that he is expecting to see another baby in July (ours) because he did his duty for mom's "Christmas wish" and the rest of us failed. He even offered to draw us diagrams and get us an instruction manual if needed. Isn't he so helpful. anyway. that's my fertility story up to this point.


Thursday 11/13/2008:
Dear John

Dear John, Am I happy? Hmm that is a loaded question this week isn't it.
Over all, Yes I am happy. I have a wonderful husband, a job I like, 2 cats, families I love (in-laws included), a car that works, people that love me. My needs are taken care of. So yes, generally I am happy. But this week I have battling with depression that is just bringing me down.
Warning, stop reading if you are unprepared for what is causing my current bout of depression.
It's been festering for a few months and I think it's triggered by babies or the lack-there-of or the fact that I'll be 30 in 60 days and I feel like I have accomplished nothing of worth in the past 10 years. Or maybe the fact that I can't stand how stupid my sister is being and that both of them just need to get over it and move on apology or not. I hate having to get up and go to work every morning. I hate that I'm fat. I hate that no matter what I do I don't lose weight. I feel frumpy and ugly. I feel like I have nothing of value to talk to people about so I avoid conversations. I feel like I'm not smart enough or good enough and that I don't really belong anywhere. I hate people. I hate public places. I hate having to live up to everyone else's standards, and because I can't, I feel like a failure so I avoid eye contact so I don't have to acknowledge other people's judgment. I feel like I'm a failure in most everything I do. I feel completely abandoned and betrayed by the fact that the best friend I ever had has turned her back on me and blamed me for her problems when all I ever did was love her for who she was and wanted nothing but her happiness. I just want my best friend back because I'm too bitter and angry too go out and find a new one. I often feel that my brain is trapped inside a plastic helmet so everything is there and I can see it and once in a while I can touch it but for the most part everything is foggy and blurry and all my memories are vague and noncoprial to the point where it really doesn't seem like me at all and my past life is just a dream. I can remember being fun and active and talkative but it seems like that is another person that I never was. I hate admitting it to myself that I'm depressed because that makes me feel like less of a person too. Please don't tell me that it's okay and that you're the only friend I need and all your other usual attestations of how great and wonderful I am because that just invalidates my feelings and some days makes me feel worse because I don't feel like I'm all those things. I love you, and depression is just depression and I either need to be medicated (which I don't want to be) or just allowed to lay in bed for a few days with a blanket over my head and I'll be better on the other side of it.
So now that I've poured my heart out to you about what's really going on inside my head I want you to know that I think you're a wonderful husband and that you do so much for me and I love everything about you. You take very good care of me and I know how hard you are trying to be better and to be the husband that you think you should be and I love you for that and appreciate all your hard work. Thank you for loving me so much. I have been doing my best to be undepressed this last week to so that you could be unhappy and as you always tell me we both can't be unhappy at the same time.
I love you. I'm ending my novel here.
Me


Friday 11/14/2008:
Ugh!

I understand the crazy hormones... that truly does suck. My brain has been very fuzzy this week as I'm trying to fight off a cold that is fighting back. I had 100mg Clomid this month and that has thrown me for a wild ride. Aside from the super hot flashes I have had a migraine since I finished my dose. And then on top of that I have family issues and sickness and it's all just combined to make me depressed. Ugh! I hate that. Then on top of all that it had been "Power Week" for the past 9 days but according to my temperatures I have not ovulated yet so we must continue and that is so not fun when one is sick and depressed. Who's stupid idea was this anyway?? oh that's right, mine. I have no one to blame but myself. Heck I'd like to accomplish something before I turn 30 in 59 days and I thought that being pregnant (at least) could be my accomplishment. After this month though my doctor refuses to give me more medication until I go in to see her AND get john's sperm analyzed but sadly neither of us want to go in. When I go in she's just going to refer me to a Fertility Specialist which my insurance DOES NOT cover and the fertility specialist will tell me to start temping and run a series of stupid tests that I believe have already been done and that is just a waste of energy for me. Bleh. Maybe I don't want kids after all. They're too much of a bother. If it's this hard to get one when the crack whore down the street can pop 'em out like bunnies maybe I'm just not meant to have any. Okay, this has turned into a depressive rant so I'll stop now. Like I said, I'm sick and depressed and I'm never fun like this.


Tuesday 12/09/2008:
Bleh

I'm 24 days past ovulation and haven't had my period yet and am not pregnant so I am currently on a progesterone supplement and then once my period comes I have one more month of 100mg clomid before I have to go see an actual OB/GYN since my current doctor is only a Midwife. So no babies for liz :(I had never really thought that this would be such a struggle, but it's wearing on me. Maybe if I could just accept the fact that that John and I may never have kids I'd just end up pregnant. But being a mom is the only thing I have ever wanted to do in my life and it's hard letting go of my one life's wish. Bleh.


Tuesday 12/16/2008:
Another One Rides the Bus

My sister-in-law scheduled the birth of her first baby for next Tuesday. I am so done with her being pregnant. She is the most whinny pregnant woman I think I have EVER met. All I have heard for the last nine months is how miserable she is and how horrible it is to be pregnant. My personal favorite is when she turns to me and says "when you are pregnant you are going to be so miserable" or "When you're pregnant you'll ... " blah blah blah. How the hell does she know how I'll be when I'm pregnant or how I'LL feel when I'm pregnant. I hate how she is the authority on all things pregnancy now that she has carried ONE baby. I can't wait to see the nervous break down she has after having the baby and realizing that pregnancy was probably the easy part.Aside from her whining about not doing anything because "I might go into labor" I'm so sick of how she just happens to rub in the fact that she no longer has to work and that she gets to be a stay at home mom and how great and wonderful she is and how perfect she is. Arrrrgh! And I thought it was just annoying when she just rubbed in the things she had that we didn't and now it's rubbing in that she has a baby and I don't. I am so sick of her.Somewhere deep inside me I want to be so happy for her and I want to be joyous and share in her baby and my new niece, but I'm really just full of rage mixed with a large helping of -I Don't Care Anymore- My 30th birthday is in 27 days and I am so sad that I haven't had the chance to be a mommy yet and I hate the pills and the waiting and all the stress and tears. I would just like to start my family and get on with the rest of my life. Here I am 51 days since my last period and frustrated as Hell that I have no pregnancy and no period ... but wait, I'm finally spotting so maybe AF will pop by for a visit in a few days. Then it's time to start again.