Today Is the day I start not caring.

The other Saturday my friendly neighborhood Sara appeared on my door step to ask me a very serious question...

The first week of the month there is testimony time in relief society and it seemed that every person that stood up had a pregnancy question to share or an "infertility" comment or "I've been so sad because I haven't been able to get pregnant for 6 months but now I am" or "I wanted another baby (after she already has 3) but it has taken me 4 months to get pregnant" and on and on... I stopped listening at some point and was only brought back to reality when Sara leaned over and placed a tissue on my lap.

I remember coming home from church that week and complaining to John about everyone and their stupid sad stories that to me are just a shallow reflection of what I am feeling and how I feel about the fact that ALL I have ever wanted out of life was to be a mom and those people who are lucky enough to already have 2 or 3 kids can just stop complaining because all I want is just one. One baby and I will thank God every day for that precious gift. But alas, it doesn't happen for me. After that, I dropped the subject and we continued on with our lives as normal and I blocked out the unpleasant experience of relief society.

The very next week as luck would have it we didn't have to teach our Sunday school class so we stayed home in bed because we were lazy and had no desire to venture to church at 9 am.

The following Saturday there was a knock at my door around noon-time and my friendly neighborhood Sara was on my door step. "I need to ask you a serious question." she says. "Was relief society so totally unbearable for you the other week?" And I had to think for a moment. I didn't remember anything about it because I had put it so far out of my mind. So I told her so. She was relieved that my return to relief society wasn't short lived because of the chosen topic for testimonies that month.

It was nice to have her care. Sometimes I really feel like the people in my ward don't care, but I know that Sara does. Sara's a good egg, I sure enjoy having her around. True, there are only like 3 people in the ward that I have even discussed infertility with, so I don't expect anyone to spare my feelings and I do my best to be so happy for the babies that do come, but some time it'd be nice if someone other then Sara would show up to check on me once in a while and show that they cared. I didn't go to church for a little over a year and not once did someone (other then my visiting teachers) show up on my doorstep to let me know that I was missed.

Am I just being selfish wishing that people would show a little more care on my part? Maybe it's my own fault. I'm not the friendly outgoing person that I could be, and maybe my shy quietness comes off as me being stuck up and unfriendly. I don't know. That's just who I am and I don't see my personality changing any time soon.

Whatever. I'm just moody today. Not really an angry moody, more of a depressed do nothing moodiness that I fall into once in a while.

 

Meh.