This is a fun pity party

I am sitting here at work trying to avoid actually working because I'm feeling so terribly depressed to day. I cried most of the way to work this morning and now I'm sitting here trying to hide my tears from co-workers. Thank heavens for high walled cubicles.  I don't know if I've ever mentioned, but John and I have been ttc #1 since August of 2006, I sure thought I was pregnant just about the time my cute little sister was in the hospital with a brain tumor, but it turns out my body just forgot to ovulate for 3 months and didn't tell me. Since then there has been no luck and many missed periods because my body doesn't like to cooperate. We have been REALLY trying since January 2008 sharing our "special hug" at least every other day and generally just getting sick of each other. I didn't start charting until I started taking Clomid in August. So I have taken Clomid for my August, September, October and December cycles but NOTHING has come of it yet. no Positive tests of any kind. And Just for fun my October cycle lasted for 53 days! Did I not Ovulate? Was I pregnant? Am I really just broken? How frustrating is that!? So to finish off that cycle my CNM gave me a progesterone supplement that has jacked up my temperatures for the last month and I think I have been spotting nearly once a week since my period ended for this entire cycle. Is that normal? I don't know.  During this time of trying to conceive, most of my friends and most of my sisters-in-law have had babies - true, my one sister-in-law was ttc for about 4 years so that makes me feel a little better - but I have been so angry at them for no reason other then the fact that they have babies and I don't. I just turned 30 on the 13th and most of my friends are finishing their families and I haven't even started one. ARRRGH! I am so sick of other people's children. I want my own. Even my gay friend gets a baby and I don't! It is so frustrating. But we all know this and that's why we're here. It's really sad, but knowing that I'm not alone is a little comfort to me when I have these bad days. I sometimes wish that I had more people to talk to about this, but then it's like I'm just talking about myself and being selfish and woe-is-me and pity me. So I don't talk to anyone about my feelings and just wish so hard every month for that positive test but it never comes. Hugs to everyone. I know I could sure use one right now.