Yesterday was Rachel's baby blessing. Kira was stuffed into a gigantic dress and given her name and a blessing in Rachel's ward at 1 pm. The blessing was nice and you could tell Devin was nervous because he kept repeating himself, but he did good. Being the first Sunday of the month it was also testimony meeting. I was doing just fine until Rachel got up to bear her testimony and talked about the blessings of mother's and being a mother and her struggles to be a mother and how blessed she was to have Kira.... Well that was pretty much it and I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the meeting. I tried, I really did, but I didn't have a Kleenex and I didn't want to cross the entire gym just to go to the restroom, so my sweater became as good of a Kleenex as I could find for the time being. As soon as the meeting was over I was off. I went to the restroom and took some deep breaths and washed my face and went back to join the others... then Rachel came and talked to me and apologized for making me cry. It's okay really, it could have been her or anybody else for the hormonal emotional rollercoaster I have been on lately.... But that just made me cry again and I had to excuse myself from the gathering of family members to go clear my head again and dab up the tears that I refused to let fall.
After Sacrament meeting the families all went over to Rachel's in-laws for food and socializing. I have a hard time being with her, not because I'm really mad at her for having a baby and me not having one anymore. Mostly I just avoid her because she does remind me of what I don't have.
At some point in the afternoon Rachel handed me the baby and went to find herself some food, and I got to hold Kira for quite a long time. It was so nice. On one hand it was just nice to have a baby in my arms and to be able to hold her and love her, but on the other hand, it just reminded me that I don't have one of my own and I really want one.
I think I've gone way beyond being baby hungry. I now suffer from a disorder I have termed EWS (Empty Womb Syndrome) which has horrible side effects including, but not limited to: Baby Rage, Massive Mood Swings, Super Sensitivity, Uber-Emotions, and Depression. (with or without Clomid)
So today I'm not so pissed as I have been, but I hate those little reminders of all those things that I'm missing out on.
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