Two Things:

 

There are two things I "read" yesterday that were profoundly interesting to me -

 

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First, I was listing to the Book of Mormon on my iPod while I worked yesterday. Admittedly, I don't think I have really even picked it up since I got home from my mission (except for the random scripture to read in church.) However I have lately been seeking for some guidance from somewhere, and what better place to start than at the beginning of what my faith is biased on.

As I listened I worked and would only tune in periodically and over the course of my morning I noticed something - I only seemed to tune in while Nephi or an Angel was rebuking Laman and Lemuel. For those of you who don't know, Laman and Lemuel are the rebellious older brother's of one of the prophets of the Book of Mormon. They were given spiritual gifts time and time again but they just didn't seem to get it or take it to heart. They would be rebuked and penitent for a little while, but then they would always fall back into the same pattern of being sloughful and would murmur against the plans and the will of God and would have to be brought down to repentance again.

1 Nephi 7:8-12

8: And now I, Nephi, being grieved for the hardness of their hearts, therefore I spake unto them, saying, yea, even unto Laman and unto Lemuel: Behold ye are mine elder brethren, and how is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds, that ye have need that I, your younger brother, should speak unto you, yea, and set an example for you?

9: How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord?

10: How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord?

11: Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, in delivering us out of the hands of Laban, and also that we should obtain the record?

12: Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him.

Over the first Book of Nephi this was a standard pattern (well, throughout the entire Book of Mormon really) and like I said, this was what I tuned in to and I had to stop and think to myself "Am I being Laman and Lemuel? Am I denying the will of the Lord and being a "natural man" not willing to become what I need to be? Am I "kicking against the pricks"? (And he said, Who art thou, Lord? And the Lord said, I am Jesus whom thou persecutest: it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks. Acts 9:5)

I should be a better person and perhaps what I tuned into is supposed to prick at my heart and my conscience to make be want to be a better person .... I guess there really is no perhaps about it.

 

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Secondly - I have been reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer. And I have to admit that I do like it even though my rebellious mind tell me to not like it because everyone is telling me that I would like it - The same as I had done with Weird Al and that I am currently doing with Harry Potter (I'm still not going to read those).

I was reading last night and came to a part of the book that truly related to me on a very personal level here is the excerpt:

"And then, as the room went black, I was suddenly hyperaware that Edward was sitting less than an inch from me. I was stunned by the unexpected electricity that flowed through me, amazed that it was possible to be more aware of him than I already was. A crazy impulse to reach over and touch him, to stroke his perfect face just once in the darkness, nearly overwhelmed me. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, my hands balling into fists. I was losing my mind.

The opening credits began, lighting the room by a token amount. My eyes, of their own

accord, flickered to him. I smiled sheepishly as I realized his posture was identical to mine, fists clenched under his arms, right down to the eyes, peering sideways at me. He grinned back, his eyes somehow managing to smolder, even in the dark. I looked away before I could start hyperventilating. It was absolutely ridiculous that I should feel dizzy.

The hour seemed very long. I couldn't concentrate on the movie – I didn't even know what subject it was on. I tried unsuccessfully to relax, but the electric current that seemed to be originating from somewhere in his body never slackened. Occasionally I would permit myself a quick glance in his direction, but he never seemed to relax, either. The overpowering craving to touch him also refused to fade, and I crushed my fists safely against my ribs until my fingers were aching with the effort."

This statement, that feeling of electricity and need and the desire just to touch someone even though you shouldn't really does just belong to my John.

It was July 17, 1998 when this feeling first took a hold of me and I have been a slave to it ever since. It was the opening day of The Mask or Zorro. I was 19 years old. I sat on John's left, Gretchen sat to his right. The lights in the theater went down and then out of the blue I noticed his hand on his leg and I think for the first time in my life I NEEDED something/someone more then I thought possible.

I don't remember seeing the movie really I spent my time trying to not think these thoughts but his hand held my attention and I watched him for those 2 hours instead of Antonio Bandaras.... but he belonged to someone else at the time. I needed to touch him and to be with him and to have him for my own. From that moment on, it became a quest for me to obtain my desire.

He didn't return my feelings for him at this time so there was none of that mutual gawking during the movie. I adjusted my posture and turned away from him to try paying attention to the movie with my hands firmly clamped between my knees.

Over the years, I obtained my goal. I won the prize and now he belongs to me. Every now and then when I think of this instance I smile. I have wondered to myself periodically if it was just my irrational teenage heart making me want something I couldn't have. I have wondered if that is something that anyone else has felt and if that electric wanting is just something of fiction and romance novels.... Last night at 11:42 pm it came to me - If it wasn't a natural part of progression or such a common uncommon feeling why would so many people write about it and sing about it and would I be lying here next to the man I love if it wasn't real.

 

One cannot write about such things unless one has truly felt that feeling themselves. :) So to Stephanie Meyer today - Thank you for confirming my irrationalities and helping me to realize that my silliness really isn't that silly at all.